night's outside and i keep thinking that my days seem to be blending into my nights more and more in a lame fast view of the world spinning kind of a way and i start to wonder:

when do i start my life ? 

and the i here is supposed to be me but i think and wish it was an indirect and passive "i" so someone else could start it for me because then maybe there'd be a beginning.

i'm not in my dream, on track to it, or even following it and more importantly i don't think i can even see it through the mess of jeans and optometry (which is not a metaphor for omniscience.) and i wish i could find a way to listen to myself without my father's voice playing as the soundtrack in the background that doesn't even fit the movie.

duke is crying in his sleep and it makes me wish i could cry more like my mom who is free in her tears even though she's quiet in her life. 

in two days she will watch her father be put in the ground and dirt which makes me wish she had god who has been absent from her or in her since she was little and watched her mother cry and drink, silently screaming throughout life. and it all seems very morbid but i guess that's what happens when birthdays and funerals come at the same time because it isn't easy to forget that birth and death happen all together 

but i'd rather not have them put together all the same.